What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:39
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
How were cows used in ancient India?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do so many people like life?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i lived it daily.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was very sick at this time too.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
I will be 64.